July 2011
2 posts
Watch it!
I do not own a wristwatch. I can’t recall ever wanting to own a wristwatch. I see coworkers wearing their timepieces proudly, perhaps a different one every day, but this has never interested me. I don’t know if this lack of desire is a residual of a Peter Pan complex that subjects me to drinking my weight in chocolate milk every month, but I can only assume it’s that I...
To whom it may concern...
I am currently holed up in a hotel room halfway through week three of an 8-week business trip. As the days pass, I grow more concerned for my health. I’m not exercising. Yes, I was barely exercising before I left town, but now my cardio workout is completely limited to the 150 feet journey from my hotel room to the elevator and the elevator to the conference room in the hotel where I meet...
January 2011
1 post
Two Sentences
I don’t know if it’s a system based on highly-evolved social-sensory interaction or just mildly-selective complacency, but I may remain envious of the simplicity of the canine dating world until I am able to walk up to another human and determine, through an act as simple as recognizing their aroma, that, yes, this person is an acceptable candidate with which to procreate.
As one who...
October 2010
1 post
Lost notes...
Occasionally I stumble across an old notebook when I’m cleaning that will consist of old story ideas that I never completed, rap lyrics I made up in the shower, old jokes I wrote, or just incomplete thoughts I was hoping to record for use at a later time. Tonight I found a small notebook which included the following excerpts that stood out.
Possible Invention: waterproof toaster (how would...
July 2010
1 post
Hello, Dr...Kavorkian is it?
“How do you handle pain?” he asked nonchalantly.
“Um, I guess pretty good,” was really the only response I could muster. I’ve had an open wound on my arm for over a week and am just now getting to the doctor about it, so I assume I’ve tolerated a fair amount.
“Okay, I’m going to take this and probe the wound to see how deep it is.”
...
April 2010
1 post
A St. Patrick's Day Revelation
I know St. Patrick’s Day was a few weeks ago, but with pictures finally coming together on Facebook, I am reminiscing about everything that went on that week, and I’m reminded of something I realized: St. Patrick’s Day is one part of a triad of holidays that grows proportionally more disappointing as you get older.
If you’re a female, St. Patrick’s Day is like an old...
March 2010
2 posts
“If you’re still talking about the NCAA tournament but didn’t go to...”
– Jesus
General Milling about.
I was having a conversation the other day that led me to realize there were major issues surrounding some of the most beloved cartoon spokespersons for the popular cereal brands that were most prevalent throughout my childhood.
I was telling my coworker that I never understand why the Trix Rabbit never met a nice female Rabbit and made a small adorable but intimidating bunny army that could...
January 2010
1 post
Maybe Wii would be better off...
The massive gift-exchange that was the entire month of December ended with a few new additions to the household — most notably, a Nintendo Wii system. Many are familiar with the interactive system, and most embrace the innovation of technological entertainment and physical activity that mark the Wii as perhaps the most universally appreciated gaming system currently on the market.
But let...
December 2009
2 posts
Child Development written and read by Billy...
My niece [age 4] has a new joke...
Abby: Knock, knock.
Me: Who's there?
Abby: Orange.
Me: Orange who?
Abbey: Eat me!
Me: Tell that one to your teacher.
Sitting pretty [single]
Have you ever noticed that when single people congregate, the attitude towards each person’s relationship status remains a relative non-issue, but if you introduce a couple in a happy relationship to the group, the dynamic changes dramatically? Suddenly, it’s no longer good enough that you’re enjoying your youth, meeting different types of people and not pressuring yourself to...
November 2009
6 posts
Notes I found...
To my dismay, when I am at the beach, I am usually accompanied by those who prefer to tan or read or do just about anything that sucks the fun out of not being at work on a nice afternoon. To distract myself, I do a lot of people-watching. Sometimes I take notes. Sometimes I forget about notes I take.As I was looking for an old grocery list this evening, I found the following excerpt on my iPod. I...
This needs to stop
Why is it suddenly considered quirky and amusing to refer to one’s significant other using “the” — a distinctly impersonal definitive adjective? The trend is by no means a recent one, but occurrences seem never-ending now that social networking sites are used by everyone and not just college students and sexual deviants.
It is near impossible to peruse the comments section...
Eavesdropping at work
I just sat and listened imagining that, if TV were never invented, this would be the equivalent of listening to an episode of Law & Order over the radio, slouching in a chair before an oversized piece of electronics, staring into oblivion while sipping some hot chocolate and wondering how I could actually be doing something that mattered instead of sitting here and listening to this pointless...
October 2009
4 posts
“I don’t believe in rape, but if it’s what it takes to please my...”
– — Natalie Portman actress/vegan
Okay, so this is completely out of context, but I don’t feel as bad as I should for doing it. Here’s her whole article this was taken from. Intelligent, but will more than likely be remembered for this quote than for promoting an absurd concept...
Several weeks ago, midair.
The plane ride had lasted several hours when an announcement was heard over the cabin intercom: Hello, ladies and gentlemen, we currently have a medical situation. If there is a doctor or EMT on board, we request your assistance in the middle of the cabin.
We would be landing in Salt Lake City shortly, which still to my surprise, is my intended destination and not a continuation of the unexpected...
September 2009
1 post
I’ve known I was taking this trip for a year. I waited until 6 days to book my flight. Two weeks ago, I would have paid half what I did. What a dumbass.
August 2009
4 posts
Mom v. the Internet
The advent of the Internet dawned with it a plethora of credible sources to aid me in the academic arena. With the dawn of the world wide web ended the age of my mother as an information resource for completing school assignments. Fact-checking afforded me the chance to avoid the reports that detailed how the invention of the vacuum cleaner propelled Herbert Hoover into the White House behind the...
CNNtertainment
CNN is where I go for news. I must check it at least a dozen times a day to see if anyone interesting has died, there’s a major disease I should be panicking about, or if there is something noteworthy going on in America of which i would otherwise be unaware (those are in order of importance).
The problem is that CNN occasionally forgets that it’s supposed to be a reputable source of...
what a beach...
i like going to the beach, i like being at the beach, and i like that referring to such travel as anything other than “going down the shore” has always sounded ridiculous whether on the east coast or west.
people want to just sit on the beach, though. I just can’t stand inactivity. there’s so much potential for fun, and people just want to read books, or lay in the sun....
May 2009
1 post
There's something in my big toe...
…and it hurts when I walk.
Tangent Alert: I’m going to throw it out there that the big toe should be not only bigger but also longer than any other toe on your foot. If you disagree, then you’re a freak and probably broken. God should have either spent more time on you or your mom should have sought out a more distant relative at the family reunion before mating to create you. ...
April 2009
4 posts
WatchYou should probably get off of your ass and start doing things, too. I’m just saying…
1 tag
CNNtertainment - Easter Edition →
When reached for comment, the polar bear only said, “This ain’t a petting zoo. Take that cuddly [expletive omitted] to the pandas.”
Q-Q. Quick Question...
jakeandamir:
Do you live in, near, or around, Philadelphia? We are performing at CollegeHumor Live at LaSalle University next Saturday, April 18th.
If you’re interested, click here to find out how to reserve tickets. Free for students and $4 for every other human on earth. Whoa, it might be worth it for you guys to just straight-up enroll at the university before next Saturday. It’s not. Don’t...
March 2009
6 posts
Twitterbug...
I started twittering. I don’t really understand the appeal but am irrationally addicting to checking it, updating it, and measuring my self-worth by the number of people aware of my existence. To my surprise, I have already achieved twice as many followers as my Tumblr. Unfortunately, both numbers remain in the low single digits. Nevertheless, I will proceed and trust that if you write it,...
snap back to reality
People seem to be offended that so many programs are categorized as reality tv, but I don’t think I would tune in to a show where a majority of the content featured the stars surfing the web, watching television, and avoiding debt collectors. On the other hand, what does offend me is that there exists a show called Wife Swap that is not about intermarital affairs. That’s just false...
February 2009
3 posts
Things that occur to me while driving in Los...
~~Note: originally posted 7/11/2008 on my old site. [from when i lived in LA]~~
Fortunately for me Los Angeles is a virtual melting pot of people who have spurned their hometowns in the hopes of having their dreams crushed whilst pursuing the goal of being more important than they actually are. Thanks to this, I am subjected to the misfortune of seeing out-of-state plates on vehicles as I drive...
With age comes....maturity?
~~Note: originally posted 12/30/2008 on my old page. links added for repost~~
Actor John O’Hurley recently asked me* to name a reason women date older men. I was informed that fifty-three percent of people polled believe women date older men because they are more mature. Although different from my response (“They’re young [and therefore don’t know any better]”), I...
no boundaries
I chose to start writing on tumblr due to the expectation for frequent, short-form posts that shed details in exchange for a quick fix. While long posts may arise, meeting or moderately exceeding lowered expectations has always been a chosen hobby of mine. It’s as though this site, with its emphasis on recycling the work of others, was created as a platform for people like myself to appear...