CNN is where I go for news. I must check it at least a dozen times a day to see if anyone interesting has died, there’s a major disease I should be panicking about, or if there is something noteworthy going on in America of which i would otherwise be unaware (those are in order of importance).

The problem is that CNN occasionally forgets that it’s supposed to be a reputable source of information so that dumb people can learn a thing or two without opening a book or smart people can slum it for a while online when they’re done not laughing at political cartoons in the New Yorker (seriously, though, they’re neither poignant nor funny; they should be called “douchebaggery drawings” because they’re made to be terrible so people think it’s high-brow and can pretend they’re in the know. I’ll say this right now: if you’ve ever uttered the words “i just saw this HI-larious cartoon in the New Yorker…” then you’re a dick).

Anyway, here are 5 headlines that were featured on cnn.com today that have me seriously questioning what their deal is:

1. $1M reward for pics of elusive mermaid - Seriously watch this video. The image shown is just ridiculous.
2. Tom DeLay joins ‘Dancing With the Stars’ - Only 1 out of every 420 people who watch this show will even be able to recognize Tom DeLay as a politician.
3. Did strep throat kill Mozart? - I hope so, because if it turns out to have been herpes, I will never listen to his music again. Think of the children!
4. Pole dance ends with face plant
5. ‘Rednecks’ smash clunkers to pieces

May favorite part about the last two is the fact that not only are there videos but also an option to buy a T-shirt that just has the headline written on it. You’re a real class act, cnn.com. I’ll see you 8 to 12 times tomorrow.