~~Note: originally posted 12/30/2008 on my old page. links added for repost~~

Actor John O’Hurley recently asked me* to name a reason women date older men. I was informed that fifty-three percent of people polled believe women date older men because they are more mature. Although different from my response (“They’re young [and therefore don’t know any better]”), I accepted this answer. The concept was left to rest in a distant area of my brain, laying in a trench with no dissenting idea actively declaring combat against it.

Until today.

Through an effort to divulge a weakness in my ingrained cache of knowledge, this dormant bit of trivia was called to the front lines by — of all sources — my girlfriend.

“How could you not know that?” she mockingly implored. ”Really.”

Insults were slung. Words, such as “obvious” and “blatant,” were thrown at me. At one point, she may have recommended a vasectomy to prevent such ignorance from passing through to future generations.

As a man, I cannot attest to the true reasons as to why many women rationalize older men as more appealing. I can, however, account for the faulty logic in this, the most popular response. If maturity is the reason, then women are ignorant regarding the true nature of male maturity. Brace yourself for the big reveal…

Men never truly achieve maturity.

Men may act mature, they may appear to portray mature-like symptoms, but they never truly mature. Unless being mature is defined as “limiting or altering discussion one would otherwise verbalize for fear of being perceived as odd, insane, developmentally or socially retarded, et al” — which, according to several dictionaries, it is not — then women have been bamboozled into thinking that age matures men like a fine wine.

The relationship between age and maturity is not as such. More likely, the relationship is better defined as age hiding immaturity like makeup covers imperfections on a woman’s face (almost poetic in that both men and women are deceiving one another in some fashion).

To exemplify my point, here is a list of things that I, a man who has reached the zenith of his maturation, find absolutely hilarious: flatulance, non-desirable nudity, the use of foul language from unexpected sources, bowel movements, the politically correct movement, kilts, flatulence from unexpected sources, the word poppycock, sexual harassment (receiving more than giving), that’s what she said, obvious euphemisms, and flatulence. About 98% of men reading this list would concur that such things are the pinnacle of humor.** Does this list alone make me immature? Probably not; yet, it is the degree to which I enjoy the things on this list that does.

I am not alone. This is ever man. Every. Single. Man.

Men grow older. They learn more. They talk about stocks, portfolios, parenting, work, hobbies and sports. In the back of their mind, however, while you are telling them where you got the low-fat veggie dip with no preservatives, they are asking themselves if Cinemax still airs adult programming after midnight like when they were a teenager.+ The truth of it all: men are the pre-1980 Mount St. Helens of immaturity, ready to erupt at the first tit or fart joke that tickles their funny bone.

So the joke’s on you, ladies. You be young and unaware, and older men will continue to date you because they are immature enough to take advantage of your ridiculous ideals. And when you go home and leave these mature men alone, they’ll tell their pals about what they just did with/to you, buy a newspaper strictly for the comics, “go number two” and text pictures of it to their friends, and fall asleep to Showtime After Dark programming (rated TV MA - for ”mature” audiences only).

I hope this isn’t really news to anyone. If a woman were to journey into the mind of a man for even an hour, she would really see the extent to which the immaturity exists. All you need to do is get in there and see how it feels.

That’s what she said.

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(*)Okay, he didn’t ask me as much as it was a question posed on the Family Feud DVD game in which he starred as the host; nevertheless, he and I interacted.  (**)The other two percent are liars. (+)They do. Oh, God, do they ever.